Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
