if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
