That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All the doctor said was why
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
