Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
