dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
