Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
