Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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