quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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