just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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