Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
