I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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