I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
