i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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