Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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