Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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