babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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