swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
