I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
no you cant smoke seaweed
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
