I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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