why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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