Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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