haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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