There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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