I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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