matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize