Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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