Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
