he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
