Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
