I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
