You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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