turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
