Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
