I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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