I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
