Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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