i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
