So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
