We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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