My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
