My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
