just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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