I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
