I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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