i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This toilet bowl is my home.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
