tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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