he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Less talking, more tequila
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
