FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
