remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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