you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
