My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
