I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
