dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
