Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
