i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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