you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I deserve this hangover.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
