there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize