my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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