3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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