so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
