a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
